I have found myself in stages of thoughts regarding my changing body.
1. No one else can tell I am pregnant... "Winning!"
2. I feel bloated AF, but my clothes still fit..."YAY!"
3. There is a growing belly, and for me growing boobs as well, "They make a great disguise!"
4. Oh hey there belly! "WTF can I wear??"
5. Zero shame; "IDGAF, I am huge (pours another bowl of cereal"
Weight gain during pregnancy is healthy, inevitable... and terrifying. This is in part due to every freaking baby-related article online that has deemed this uniform range of 25-35 pounds, as the "normal weight gain for a healthy pregnancy." Even though my reasonable brain knows that this is simply a generic range in which multiple research findings would support. Thus creating some type of parameter for all those for all those 'label lovers' out there (and I guess, medical surveillance).
But then my unreasonable brain thinks of this number at every single check up, especially as it gets later on in the pregnancy. I suddenly turn into a math lady meme, adding and subtracting from my pre- pregnancy weight to see if my weight gain is "unhealthy". Then more math comes as I try to figure out how much weigh gain since my last appointment, and how much more time is left, and so on and so on!
Then suddenly I am suddenly saturated with panic in the exam room as my mind wanders. 'Am I gaining too much weight?', 'Am I eating well enough?', 'Will I ever lose it?'...
In a culture that constantly bashes women for weight gain, is it really helpful to place strict, quantitative, guideline on what constitutes “too much” weight gain during pregnancy, with little consideration of individual context?
I'm going to go with: probs not!
In addition, to the "valid" medical surveillance pregnant women experience, there’s also the everyday surveillance we encounter on a daily basis. While I take it as a complement, the "You don't even look pregnant" comment in the first + second trimesters. It certainly makes the "Whoa! You're so pregnant!" comment feel much different approaching the end of the third trimester. The self inflicted implication I make is that I have failed or "really let myself go" towards the end. Despite eating well and exercising regularly. Even though I KNOW it's a ridiculous thought!
To all the mama's out there, prego or not, trying to find confidence in your new body: You are more than enough at any stage. The trickery originates in the mind; longing for your pre-pregnancy body may be holding you back from something even better --> Body acceptance, self appreciation + self worth.
Yet, I know I will still struggle with it, as you may, too. I am sure I will find myself still surveilling my weight and how I look.
On your best days, when you're most confident, powerful and healed; know that you are healthy + your value is not measured by the scale (pregnant or not).
Go on girl,
xo, Kat